


toxic

by jihunsbutt



Category: K-pop, Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Absinthe, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, I Don't Even Know, I forgot to post this, M/M, MINHYUK HAS BLUE HAIR ????, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Probably gonna rewrite this later, i blame the teaser photos, i somehow thought it was a good idea to pair wonho and minhyuk, minhyuk and alcohol, trust me it's easier to understand than you think, use your mind please
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-01
Updated: 2017-08-29
Packaged: 2018-11-09 19:44:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11111547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jihunsbutt/pseuds/jihunsbutt
Summary: "...And that obscure night of the soul, and the valley of humiliation,through which he stumbled, were forgotten.He saw blue vistas of undiscovered countries,high prospects and a quiet, caressing sea.The past shed its perfume over him,today held his hand as if it were a little child,and tomorrow shone like a white star: nothing was changed... "-In which minhyuk uses absinthe and hallucinates.But exactly how much of it is unreal?





	1. prologue

 

 

 

_**His voice started trembling, his eyes didn't know where to look.** _

**As his tears started welling up, he grew adjusted to the pain.**

  
**He dragged himself up and stared at his bright red hands.**

  
**He had thought is was all just a dream.**

  
**He thought it was just an illusion that it wasn't real.**

  
**The alcohol just became too much for him to distinguish the reality with the unreal;**

  
**the delusional world in which he had found him living happier than the real world.**

  
**The world where time wouldn't go on and stop on his command.**

  
**And yet, after all the time, he thought he was immune.**

  
**That he could handle the toxic fluid when actually,**  
**he has never even woken up from the dream.**

 

 

* * *

 

 


	2. prologue

 

Minhyuk laced his lips with a liquid poison in the color green. he let his tongue slide over his toxic lips and sucked his lips letting the poison enter his mouth. he took the glass filled with the green liquid and placed it against his lips taking a sip. he closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and let the poison swim through his body. he laid back on his chair, still with his eyes closed. there was no sound to be heard in the room other than the sound of a clock ticking and the bass sound of his rapid heartbeat. he let himself drown in his thoughts and laidback exhaled the toxic air he breathed in. he inhaled the dry air once again and took another sip of the green liquid, his heartbeat immediately turning a pace faster with each drip that entered his body. a warm feeling burned in his throat, a soothing yet stressing flow in his head, bumping thrusts in his chest. 

the arrows on the clock making turns, both hit the midnight numbers and let out a long chime each hour, this time at twelve. the sound galmed through Minhyuk's ears and he could see the clock twisting and the arrows making turns in a rapid speed with his eyes closed. the poison had taken its' effect and had already taken over his mind. he screamed in pain as he felt his chest getting tighter and his lungs not getting any oxygen. Minhyuk dropped the glass in his hand on the floor. the glass shattering all over the floor surrounding his chair. he laughed, happy that he accomplished his _mission_. 

 **"Minhyuk?"** he heard a faint voice say his name. as if someone cried seeing him, as if they didn't think they were the reason of his poisoned body, his dead heart and his black-and-white mind. he could understand though, he was the misunderstood, the _other_. as if he never really was part of them. as if he was different from others and not supposed to even be there, to exist. he let out groan as response not realizing he was still not himself yet, he was under control of someone- or actually- something else. he stood up, embracing the scattered glass, leaving them stuck in his feet. no sound out of his mouth, he didn't feel any pain- or happiness. walking to where he thought the sound was coming from, he opened the door entering a black room. its' lights turned off and not even a faint or dim sunlight entered the pitch black room. 

he could he hear a growl from behind him. not being afraid of the monster, he turned around and patted its' head. he didn't see it, its' body; he just followed his mind. he let the drug be the controler of his body and him being lifeless puppet. he turned back around facing the black room. he placed a foot over the doorstep and he could feel a different sensation in his body. he could feel a different aura surrounding him. he felt excited yet scared of the unknown.

Minhyuk brushed his hands over his cheek as he felt a warm fluid dripping down. he smelled his hands and a strong metallic, crusty and salty smell lingered through his nose. he ignored the fluid and set another foot through the door. he left himself completely in the dark. a monster behind him, and for the rest of the air surrounding him, it was all unknown. he was left feeling small and like an outcast, yet he felt rather at home. as if they would understand him here -in the dark. 

" **Minhyuk? What are you doing?** " the same voice said. this time it sounded rather irritated than sad. you could still hear a slight bit of pain and sadness in his voice but Minhyuk was convinced it was all in his head. just like everything else; it was all just in his head. Minhyuk looked behind him, the monster still there, he could feel it. he stuck his arm out, reaching for the door knob. he felt safe in here, he didn't want to hear the roaming noise from the living room anymore. he wanted silence. so he wanted to lock himself up, regardless of what might be hiding there. he felt himself touching the wall so he caressed the wall until he found the door knob. but instead of that, he touched the light switched. he didn't turn the lights on, but he was hesitating. his curiosity overflew him inside but he decided not to. he didn't want to deviate from his original plan and mindset. 

" **Why don't you turn on the light switch? Can you see in the dark?** " there is was again, the faint voice. he sounded caring and convincing this time. Minhyuk could tell it was a 'he', it was a male voice, a soft and warm one indeed. He hear clinking and clashing sounds from the left side. " **Who are you?** " Minhyuk asked not really minding his drunk voice. he generously wanted to know who he was. he felt a certain attraction to him, a warm and safe feeling. Minhyuk enjoyed that, the sudden adrenaline punching through his veins. 

he heard a chuckle. " **Who am I? You don't know? Well it's a secret actually. You can call me.. Wonho! Please call me Wonho for now** " Minhyuk nodded forgetting he probably wouldn't see it in the dark. the clashing of metal and the heat of fire hovered around him and he could feel some kind of breeze fly past him. as if someone catches up with you. a sound as if someone was being dragged along over the cold ground. a hissing sound and the sound of machines could be heard, it was distinct but you could vaguely hear it. Minhyuk felt at home. 

He inhaled deeply again remembering that all of this is just in his head, that it's just a side effect from the alcohol. what he didn't know is how much of it was unreal. he exhaled and set his first step forward pulling the door closed as he looked behind him one more time. with a slam the door closed and he felt himself twisting and turning. he felt as if he was being stretched out and being shrinked. it was a bit like Alice when she fell through the bunny hole. with a thud he hit a smooth wall behind him. reaching out of balance he was about to collapse in a locked up room; a pitch black room. 

" **Aish** " someone hissed as he saw Wonho dropping the material and reaching out for the Minhyuk. Minhyuk coughed and had difficulty breathing. his lungs didn't take in any air and his chest felt tight. as if a punch was launched right at it. " **Woah, are you okay?** " the male asked. he grinned as he saw Minhyuk smiling and nodding his head. Minhyuk was dizzy, nauseous actually. he was completely out of the world and he felt rather unstable. _a string snapped_ ; but at the same time, one was attached to another. the hot smith smiled seeing the male laying on his lap, his head attached to his thighs and his eyes locked in the smith's. 


	3. and if so, can it also erase what would rather be forgotten?

 

Minhyuk jolted up, surprised as to where he found himself. a bright light flashed at his still sleepy eyes. he saw a glimpse of the bright morning sun. it seemed like a hot summer afternoon. he sat, looking around to figure out exactly where he was and how he got there. Minhyuk tried standing up, but his feet hurt, a lot. he ignored the excessive amount of pain shuddering through his body and just walked. he limped on the road. it was surrounded by high grass and it looked rather isolated, like an unknown place. the sight was beautiful, an unforgettable place. he felt as if he was dreaming, like if you imagine the word 'silence' you would see yourself wearing earphones standing on a mountain filled with high grass and your eyes closed thinking of nothing, just appreciating the breeze flowing past you and a sweet morning sun kissing your almost naked body.

 that's what it _seemed_ like to him. 

he continued wandering down the road, murmuring songs stuck in his head, singing lullabies and closing his eyes accepting where he found himself. the wind blew around his legs and he felt a rather cold touch on his back. he felt an embrace, but not the embrace from a person's arms hugging around your tummy. it was cold and sad. not like you would imagine a sweet moment in a gallery of memories. it was more like a sad, depressing moment in a stunning place. it was like a child with a balloon following him around, holding his hand and looking down at his feet. he lost his parents and he was blinded by the betrayal of love, the sun and all the colors from pastel pink to ash brown. he couldn't see them, he could only believe and trust his touch. 

that's what it _felt_ like to him. 

imagining the pain the child would have had, made him cry. even though the boy was non-existent, the fact that he saw and could feel what the non-existent boy had been through, he felt bad. he felt like even if he could return time and redo all his wrongdoings, he felt as if he didn't deserve to do so. as if what he went through isn't nearly enough to earn respect and to receive any love.  the fact that he used alcohol to achieve what he wanted, made him low. it made him lose all of the respect he had. it was a bad choice, but even though it made him happier _for now_ , it was the wrong way to get what he longed for. 

as with each step Minhyuk took down the rocky road, a stone lighted under his feet. Each stone that shined erased one of his treasured memories. regardless of whether Minhyuk remembers all of the painted pictures in his head, they get drained in water, loosing all of their colors, ending up with a clear white canvas. But since Minhyuk didn't know this, he unconsciously became emptier and emptier until he found himself being completely blank, emotionless and unknown. which was great, since he wanted to start anew. Expect for the fact that even if he didn't know anything anymore, people still knew everything about him. 

 

 

> **_*Everything_ ;  _every single thing or every particular of an aggregate or total; all. something extremely important._**

 

as much as Minhyuk thought of it, he just felt as if the word fit him, as if it was a word that described something lonely about him and yet he couldn't figure out what it was. it was as if he just couldn't seem to remember any of it. as Minhyuk felt the burdened embrace disappear, he looked underneath him seeing the stone he stood on, being enlightened. a similar breeze he was sure of that he felt earlier passed him. he turned around seeing a monster, a black furry wolf look-a-like. Another familiar feeling. It brought pain to his head and he felt like he could fall over. he ignored the stinging pain in his head and continued walking the rocky road to where even he himself, didn't know where it would end. 

hours passed and he became weak, his legs didn't move the way he wanted and he was draining his energy. when he thought he was about to collapse, a village entered into his sight. he stepped onto the last few stones and grew nearer and neared the village. when he found himself standing right in front of the village's gate, he saw men, armed and strongly built. he opened the gate and entered the alluring place. 

dry trees surrounded the place, the houses made of wood and the streets filled with layers of sand mixed with snow. it was hot and dry, no water to be seen and neither where there any inhabitants. it was a sad, abandoned and dry place. he wandered around the place not feeling any of the pain and to add to that he didn't feel weak anymore ever since he entered the village. he felt rather at _home_. 

as much as Minhyuk walked, he never saw any citizen. it was as if the place was truly abandoned and left behind as if it were a child's toys while the child was in the midst of growing up, turning into an adult. the toys the child adored so much, suddenly left untouched and erased from memory. Minhyuk walked through a narrow alley and saw dark grey, almost black smoke arise from a place to the sky. even though he didn't knkw anything from the building set on fire, his eyes shed tears and he felt hurt. a thrust in his heart brought him back to reality. He looked around and saw a child hilding a balloon looking down at his feet. Minhyuk decided to walk up to the child but when he laid a hand on his shoulder, the child completely disappeared like dust. 

an overwhelming pain shuddered through his body qand tears left his eyes rolling over his cheeks in a repid speed. he had trouble breathing and all the shades of black and grey he saw clearly earlier, turned pitch black. he couldn't see a single thing but was still conscious, he knew he was. he screamed in pain, bawled his eyes out and chocked on his very own tears. the child he saw, was him. it was him. as a toddler, he lost his parents to a fire and the chemical substances turned him blind. he was alone for a long time until a boy, around the same age as him came up to him and comforted him. the boy brought him a green liquid and told him to drink it. **"It will calm you down, you'll feel better after this, trust me"**   is what the boy told him at the time. he remembered all of it and found himself longing for the boy who cared for him so much.  

the tears couldn't stop streaming from his blinded eyes and he soon received a smack on his cheek. shocked, he couldn't get a sound escaping from his mouth. he got pulled into an embrace, this time a warm one. an embrace full of love and happiness one that would be painted with the prettiest colors and gentlest moments. _"Idiot, what are you doing here, you promised me to never come back here"_ the boy embracing Minhyuk; his very _first love_ said. 

 


	4. Could it also erase deceptions,  Or make you desire those 'illusions'?

  
Minhyuk opened his eyes, surprised to see who stood in front of him. he pulled a smirk and rolled his eyes at the unbelievable sight. **"what are you doing?"** the man in front of him said. he sounded a bit dissappointed and sad. **"Trying to forget"** Minhyuk replied and tilted his head up so he could look at the man.

it was Wonho, and he was surprised to see him after all that happened. Wonho sighed and leaned over, taking away the glass with its' green fluid out of Minhyuk's hand. a cry left Minhyuk's mouth as his 'medicine' was taken away. it was his only help, his only reliable source that could take him away, to a place he would rather go. and yet the man, he had loved for so long stood in front of him and Minhyuk wouldn't even dare to look him in his eyes. he was scared, or so you could say. he was afraid and petrified for his love would leave or deceive him, like those deceptions he'd have.

a hand was placed on his shoulder and an apology was heard throughout the hollow room. a tear drop left the Minhyuk's eyes and fell on his knees. after that, more followed and his tears couldn't stop flowing. he felt regret, he felt sorry for his loved one and most importantly, he felt sorry for himself. his weak self that could find no love in himself, only sadness, regret and emptiness. he felt too weak to be hateful and to love. but to hear Wonho say 'sorry' was too much. He didn't deserve an apology, but Wonho on the other hand did. he just couldn't say it, it was like a feather he couldn't lift because it held more weight than the strength he had to lift such a burden.

Wonho kneeled down cupping Minhyuk's face in his hands, he wiped his tears and stroked his back. he continuously told him that it's fine, that he wouldn't leave him ever again and that he felt sorry that Minhyuk ended up this way.

the grey and sorrowful paintings left in his gallery, gained the colors from pastel pink to dark blue. he felt a fire burn inside of him and his heart beating faster than ever, the burning passion he felt in his stomach, he wanted to hold him, and he wanted touch him, to make sure it was real, that he was real. but as he laid his hand on Wonho's shoulder, he disappeared like dust and slowly faded away with the wind that blew in his chamber.

the windows scattered and shivers glass flew through his way. a cold breeze surrounded him and he felt as if he lifted a hundred pounds of stones in his body. he felt as if he was drowning in the sea and he couldn't swim up again, he could still see the dim light of the sun shine through the water, he desired to go up so badly but he couldn't move, the more he desired, the more he felt as if he was drowning.

Minhyuk hit the bottom of the sea. he took a deep breath with his mouth open. the fluid slowly filled his lungs and he felt his lungs tugging, he wanted to cough, he wanted to breathe, but he was incapable of doing so, he only gained more fluid inside he body. his sight changed hazy and cloudy, he felt light in his head and soon saw black before he eventually passed out.


	5. It might, but not ever,  will you feel grateful for using such a poison.

Minhyuk lifted his hand and pressed the cold glass against his lips. he the last sip of the bright green colored poison left in his glass. he pulled himself up, his hand searching for the bottle so he could fill his glass once again. when he took ahold of hit, he bend over and poured the liquid into his glass. he turned his glass in circles and let the fluid spin in the glass. it somehow amused him, seeing the fluid spin in his glass. he let him self fall into the chair again and held the glass against his lips once again. he took a long sip and felt the alcohol burn his throat with heat. he let out an 'Ah' as he emptied yet another glass.

he laid back in the chair and watched the clock's arms taking turns and ticking with each second that passed. only four hours had passed since it turned 12am. the time his very first illusion had started. he started to grow adjusted to the burning feeling in his throat and craved it more and more. and now, every monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, saturday and sunday he would take a sip - or more - of this so called poison. he didn't dare to take it on friday's. it was the day Wonho had left the world and he would not dare to use it at the day he 'sinned'.

Minhyuk feels like - and knows - that it's his very fault that Wonho left the world. Minhyuk knew of his plans and he knew how he was feeling. but he didn't do anything against is. he was scared that if he did, Wonho would yell at him or would make him feel like a disappointment. it was what Minhyuk was the most scared of. angering or disappointing his love. It might seem weak but seeing your loved one change from such a happy person to someone who wouldn't even smile anymore, damn he didn't even talk anymore. Wonho turned empy just like how he is now.

 

* * *

 

  * **_22:48:12 pm_**
  * **_17th of june 2016_**
  * **_Apartment number 67D SEOUL_**



  
Minhyuk's hands were trembling, he dropped to the ground and firmly held on to Wonho's red tinted shirt. his tears were streaming down his face he was grasping for air, his throat sore and he was screaming out and couldn't stop. The screams mixed with his tears. as he checked his love's breathe one last time, he couldn't find it. he was no longer breathing, the blood in his veins was no longer streaming and his body was no longer warm; instead it gave off a cold touch.

the pale boy, covered in red. his eyes closed and you could tell he cried. he literally cried himself to death. Minhyuk noticed the dried up paths the tears had made over Wonho's cheeks. the salty flavour of tears, he could taste them himself.

he was moved to the hospital. by the time Minhyuk came there, he could already here sirens wailing in the distance. he knew they came for wonho; and him. he didn't like it, seeing him in room filled with white only. wonho was a person filled happiness he shouldn't be in white room. he even whore white, he had a white handkerchief-like thing covering his pale face. Minhyuk looked at the windows, sunlight blinding his eyes and small blue flowers in front of it. he took one, he plucked one away and examined it carefully. he glanced over at wonho, took away the white handkerchief and opened his mouth, placing the flower inside. he closed wonho's mouth and gave a peck on his lips. his last kiss. he placed the handkerchief back and without looking back, he left the room.

 

* * *

 

**_ current time _ **   
**_ Apartment number 67D SEOUL _ **

  
he stood up, his glass iifalling, scattering pieces all over the place. Minhyuk didn't care, he walked his way to a room, he hadn't been there for over a year and he never thought he would come there ever again. with each step he got closer to the room, his heart beat a pace faster and tears welled up and fell down, tracing lines over his cheeks.

the door squeaked and screeched. a cold breeze left the room as soon as Minhyuk threw the door completely open. he felt nostalgic, it's been longer than a year yet he feels as if it happened only seconds ago. the screams he made that day echoed in his head, the tears he let out, streamed down right now, the voice he lost that time, he let it all out and the words he never said, he cried them out.

he closed the door behind him and stepped inside. a freezing room, pitch black and no dim of light to be seen. he stepped forward and dropped to the floor. he searched over the floor, hoping he would find it. the thing that's been used before, not by him but someone else.

Minhyuk drunkenly crawled over the floor, he knew exactly what was where even though it's been so long. he heard a clashing sound as he tapped his hand on some kind of glass. he threw his fist against it, and sunlight entered his view. a jar filled with sunlight, that's what it was. when he was younger he caught sunlight together with Wonho. they promised each other to only use it when they couldn't find each other in the dark.

Minhyuk squeezed his eyes closed as the bright light enlightened the dark room. his eyes soon fell on a flower; small and blue. It's stayed alive without sunlight, without water; without what he needed to stay alive. Minhyuk grabbed the flower and placed it inside his mouth. He took shiver of glass and stabbed it in his heard. he closed his eyes and never opened them again.

  
_**"...I'm sorry"** _


	6. Epilogue

  
**_His breath hitched and he let his tears flow over his cheeks_**

**  
The cold nights, the empty chamber and the dishes that piled up**

**  
He knew of it all, his absence had major influences on him**

**  
He felt abandonment and worthless.**

**  
He has lots of regrets, lots of ungiven love.**

**  
His emptiness overtook him and he dreamt of seeing him again**

**  
He knew that if he would, his desire would be too great to turn back**

**  
So he used a poison, believing it would make him forget**

**  
But he was soon given the disappointment.**

**  
His dream unfulfilled, and his desire turned too great.**

**  
The poison made him desire more,** **the double-edged sword had taken a turn on him.**

**  
He would now never be able to forget, his love's smile,**

**  
His love's voice and his touch.**

**  
He would forever be left with an itching desire and emptiness**

**  
Because the one he loved so much, had left the world.**

**  
And as much as he wished to leave as well, to follow him,**

**  
He was too weak, he was too scared to do so.**

**  
And so the afraid boy, was left with a curse.**

**  
He would know of his love, but he will never remember his face.**

**  
It was the punishment he received, for using the poison as source to see him again.**

**  
And now the boy is locked in his mind,**

**  
forever stuck in a chamber full emptiness and cold.**

**____ **


End file.
